This is one email I pray you read every word of. It's one I value a reply from - if you wish. If you are standing up - sit down.
Those of you who are close to me have seen a steady change in me for more than 5 years. While my "sons" were with me I worked very hard to keep my head above water in many ways. My life became almost equal when it came to my commitment to GOD and my desire to give them my best and be a good "dad" for them. What I am about to share is easy for me because of Romans 8:28 and where I am headed now. If there was ever an excuse needed to get off the Project E.A.R.T.H. International "band wagon", and stop supporting me and this ministry . . . . . here's your opportunity.
I am not going to pin the blame on anyone or anything. I am simply going to say that as far back as my time at Sight & Sound as a actor, I was in a "tailspin" physically and mentally. I've struggled with depression my whole life. Diabetes, depression and "what will people think if . . . . " were pulling me deeper and deeper into a pit. For a long time I would go to bed and my final prayer was: "Lord, one more thing . . . please don't let me wake up tomorrow. AMEN!" Ever said something like that to GOD and meant it? (If you did - get HELP!)
There's no question the pile of things I've faced in recent years was taking it's toll on me. I can think of so many times I should be dead but, GOD rescued me. (I am still working on the book that will tell those stories - though I used to think no one would buy one.) Since December last year this roller coaster of life has been so furious that I began to (for lack of better words) throw up on everyone in my path. I reached a point where I couldn't hide it anymore. I believe GOD was allowing these things so I would stop worrying about "what will people think if . . . ." and care about ME and love ME the way I struggled to love and serve HIM.
By now you've probably skipped ahead to see what I've done now. So, pardon the pause.
Take a moment then continue to part two.
Welcome back. Dramatic right? Let's get this over with.
I finally decided after the car accident in November it was time for me to get some help. I began seeing a professional counselor. Someone neutral to evaluate the situation. Someone I could just be totally up front with. She was great but, after telling her the truth she told me I needed even more help and I guess I refused. (I have no memory of my final appointment with her.)
For quite some time I've been planning my death. I won't go into all the details. I had a contract with her that I wouldn't hurt myself unless my final plans we in effect. I guess that day I revealed it to her. People very very close to me knew also that I didn't care about living or anything else. On December 15 (no memory of my own of that day) I told my counselor enough for her to suggest going into the hospital for a little while and get the help I needed. According to the legal documents I refused and the police were summoned and I was picked up at home and escorted to the hospital where I remained until Dec 23rd.
GOOD NEWS. While I was in there I was able to be loved and cared for by a wonderful team of Dr.s and nurses who have helped me a great deal. I am a different person. (Ask Pastor Brett or my roommate Andrew or a host of people I've seen and talked to since.) I will continue with counseling and the Dr.s for as long as I need to. All of this has been paid for by medicaid because I've never been able to afford health insurance. While on sabbatical I have no income since I am not working.
What's next? I am truly waiting on GOD for answers to that.
Consider the following:
I believe it was GOD that had me begin this ministry a long time ago. Does that mean HE still wants it to continue? Again I am waiting for confirmation on that but, at this moment I would say a confident YES. For that to happen, I think PEI would either need to become a 501C of it's own or something more solid than it has been to this point. At 56 years old I am finally "awake" and realize - to do this ministry I have sacrificed the stability of having a "home" to call my own. I've lived completely by Matthew 6;33 and fashioned my life after the two people I've gotten to know better than anyone. Both were single. Both needed the support and help of people for their ministries but, didn't "require" it of them and worked hard to provide for themselves and the ministry along the way. (Jesus & the Apostle Paul). However, people gave to their ministries and blessed them - though not to excess. I am thankful for all you have done. So, will PEI continue? - Now's the time you can pray about that. PRAY - the time to speak on that issue will come.
Still reading . . . ? Thanks!
Beginning 2012 (just a few days away), I am asking you to begin by helping me with a plan set in motion months ago. A much needed vacation (one part of this year long sabbatical - called :"The Rebuilding of the Temple") My church went out on a limb in faith and pre-purchased a plane ticket to KENYA. We got an amazing price if I was willing to fly strange flights in the middle of the night both ways on a strange route from Washingtion Dulles to Istanbul, Turkey to Nairobi, Kenya. That ticket was almost $900 (half what I have paid in other years but it won't be EASY for me - and with it's share of danger etc.) I've prayed for $2,000 total to pay for all the travel and living expenses for the month I will be gone, as I am on vacation and wanting to be an encouragement to my dear parters in ministry there. I've decided I won't make the trip without those funds. But, if you could know how hard it will be to vacation, yet not do anything to help them with their financial burden well . . . I know you know what I mean.
Now I leave this in your hands and GOD!
I'm alive and well but no longer burdened by the thought: "What will they think if . . . ." Whatever you have to say is welcome, even though I love what my grandmother (and yours) used to say: "If you don't have anything "good" to say, maybe it's best not to say it." Even if you do I am more ready to deal with it now than ever. NOWHERE TO RUN! <Smiling>
Because JESUS lives - SO DO I